


absence

by GhostsandGhouls



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:28:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21841225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostsandGhouls/pseuds/GhostsandGhouls
Summary: Absence makes the heart grow fonderPROVERBSeparation from someone makes feelings stronger.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 70
Collections: Haikyuu Secret Santa 2019





	absence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KoraNoKage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoraNoKage/gifts).



> I wanna say a big thank you to [em](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shitabukenjirou) & [lys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookishascanbe) for betaing this fic<3<3

**absence**  
_noun_  
the state of being away from a place or person.

  


Ushijima has never quite known how to face someone who is energetic and lively. It's the polar opposite of his own personality. Even after three years of being friends with Tendou, that fact hasn't changed. He wants to avoid bringing down Tendou and squashing his brightness and how he always acts like nothing stands in his way.

Ushijima's heart breaks with every fleeting moment before they graduate. He's in love with Tendou and the feeling had come easily. It had been like a tide creeping up the beach. It washed away any of his worries; he knew he could make his dreams come true simply by believing in them. Tendou has always had that effect on Ushijima. It crept through his veins, a signal straight to his heart.

He finds it hard to express himself. Ushijima feels deeply for the people in his life and he could tell them how he felt, but with Tendou that was different. He could never quite describe it; it's like a swell in his heart, an orchestra reaching the peak of the performance. It's a fire warm and comforting feeling—there’s bomb ready to blow, and Ushijima loved every second of it. 

Now, it was all about to be over. They were a week away from graduation and Ushijima would be leaving for Tokyo. Tendou was going to Hokkaido, where he'd be studying Art. Ushijima thinks it’s fitting for him, he’s always had a creative mind.

Tendou had helped design flyers and posters to promote the club for new students, and it always got complimented first when someone joined. Ushijima smiled when Tendou did, it was infectious.

Exams and university preparations kept Ushijima busy and he missed the time he spent with Tendou. Even the small things, like sitting together and eating lunch, made Ushijima’s heart hurt. The day of graduation seemed to pull the ache closer to the surface and Ushijima barely managed to smile throughout the day.

Oohira didn’t have to say much to convince Ushijima into joining them for a meal. Tendou still looked bright and happy, he was bringing everyone into his joy. Semi, who’d been sad to see everyone parting ways, was smiling brighter than he had done all day. Oohira is grinning, he usually is, but this is different, there’s a comfort behind it. Soekawa, usually quiet and unassuming, was laughing loudly at every one of Tendou’s jokes.

Ushijima is breaking apart on the inside, but his lips easily form into a smile. Tendou always finds a way to brighten his day. He’s surprised when Oohira gently nudges him, “Are you going to say anything?”

“No, he’s better off being free.”

“He’s not a butterfly that needs protecting. We both know that he’s stronger than that. You should tell him.”

Ushijima lets his eyes fall to his plate. He’s searching for answers to the unknown. Does Tendou feel the same? Can they make it work even with the distance between them? He doesn’t know, no-one can tell him. He knows that Oohira is right, Tendou is strong, he’d make it through anything. Still the words don’t come and Ushijima eats in silence.

The night is nice, they head for ice-cream after food and the walk back is slow. It’s like none of them want to part, but they start to dip. Oohira is first then Semi and Soekawa. Ushijima is left alone with Tendou, the words are racing away in his head, all of them trying to break out at once and they don’t, they’re stuck.

“Ah, Wakatoshi, it’s exciting, isn’t it? I’m really looking forward to university. Although, it will be strange without everyone around.”

“Yes,” Ushijima nods, the rest of his words are swallowed, falling into an endless pit. He’s thought about his confession a thousand times, he’d even written down the words that seemed incredibly hard to say. Ushijima feels weak. He wishes he could be stronger, to tell Tendou everything, “It’s a shame you don’t want to keep playing, it would be nice to face off against you.”

“Hmm, it would, but that’s just not for me. Seems like too much pressure. I know you’ll do great though! I hope you don’t forget about me.”

“I won’t.” As if he ever could. Tendou meant far too much, even if Ushijima had confessed, it would be more than he could ever say. Words never quite granted him the ability to cover everything. Tendou was special to him.

“I’ll be watching when I can. Do us proud!” Ushijima nods. They finally have to head their separate ways, and Ushijima wonders if he’ll ever get used to his life without Tendou right at his side.

* * *

Tokyo is the same as always. Big and bustling with people. Ushijima is looking forward to playing volleyball here all the time, the university is nice and he’s sent to check-in at the dorm first. His roommate is already there, unpacking, when Ushijima arrives. He recognises the face instantly, “Kita Shinsuke.”

“Is that-” He turns around and grins, it’s one that could rival Tendou’s, “Ushijima Wakatoshi. I can’t say I’m surprised to see you here.”

Ushijima places his boxes down and they bow in greeting, “I was glad to get accepted. It’s nice to see you here.”

“This time we get to be on the same side of the net. Has anyone else from Shiratorizawa come here?”

“No, but Soekawa is at a university close by and Semi is in Yokohama.”

“Well, it’s nice to hear that some of your friends are still close by. Akagi is at this university and Aran is close by.”

Ushijima nods at Kita’s words. It’s mostly silent while they unpack, with some small talk about university studies. Once they’re unpacked, they head to the volleyball club. They’re met by Akagi, who introduces himself properly to Ushijima and they find a place to sit together.

Ushijima is a little surprised to see that Oikawa isn’t here. He’d been one person that Ushijima was sure could make it. To prove exactly how strong he was. He shrugs off the feeling and pays attention to what the club leader is saying instead.

* * *

It’s a long day, after club orientation was over, Ushijima had to head straight to his class orientation. He’s exhausted when he gets back to the room and Kita looks just as tired, they share few words before turning in for the night.

Ushijima wonders how Tendou’s first day went and he makes a mental reminder to text in the morning. He wants to keep in touch with all his friends and he hopes that they can meet up by the time winter break comes around. It would be nice to see their faces again.

After a good nights sleep and an early morning run, Ushijima begins texting his friends. Tendou had set up a group chat and the last messages there are wishes of good luck. He’s almost tempted to text Tendou separately but it’s easier doing it this way.

Replies come in throughout the day. Semi had been the first, then Soekawa, Reon and finally, Tendou’s text comes last. Ushijima spends an extra minute reading over his words. Drinking in every syllable.

_Doing good here ‘Toshi! The class is really interesting. I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying Tokyo, take some pictures for me. ヽ(=^･ω･^=)丿_

Ushijima is hung on those words. They replay in his head for days after the exchange, even as other little updates come through and push the words further back into the chat. He does take pictures of every little thing he thinks Tendou will enjoy. There’s a small cat which prowls the university courtyard, Tendou only replies to that picture in a spam of emoji’s. Ushijima can’t help but smile. He wishes he could see Tendou’s face.

* * *

They arrange to meet up in Miyagi for Winter break and Ushijima feels breathless the moment he sees Tendou. Being further north has warmed his skin slightly, bringing out a flurry of freckles across his nose and cheeks. Their meal together is nice. Semi’s started dating Sugawara, who’s Tendou’s roommate and Tendou presses the fact that he got Semi to confess. He doesn’t deny it and his cheeks turn a little red.

Ushijima is relieved when Tendou says that he’s still single. He knows things would be easier if he confessed, then he’d know Tendou’s feelings too. But he’s scared, he’s so scared — of rejection, of losing his best-friend. Those thoughts alone stop the words in his mouth. Sometimes Ushijima is worried that they might end up spilling over and flooding out without filter.

While they’re in Miyagi, they catch up with the team too. They’re doing well, as Ushijima had expected, and they’re going to be heading to the Spring Prefectals again, with a promise that they’ll make nationals. Shirabu and Goshiki are working well together, and it seems that it isn’t just limited to on the court.

Ushijima is reluctant to return to Tokyo when break comes to an end. Tendou waves him off with a grin and Ushijima tries to smile. His heart is sinking, it’s weighed down with feelings and knowing that they’re going to stay hidden. Safe and secure.

* * *

Everything is hazy. One clear thing stands out, a nose is pressed against his. It's covered in soft freckles, the pale skin is otherwise clear— **soft**. There's a bell ringing, the stark call of his name in an abyss, "Wakatoshi. I never want to leave you."

Ushijima reaches out and pulls the body closer. It's only a phantom, haunting his dreams, "Satori, I love you." His voice is soft, barely a mutter and a reply comes in the form of a giggle. It sounds knowing, and Ushijima wants to hear the words.

He never does, he always wakes first. Ushijima has to run a little further, feel the burn of his legs before the dream fades into a dull hum in the back of his head. Kita notices his routine and he returns to a knowing smile, “I’ve been there. It’s not easy, is it?”

Ushijima sighs. He knows there’s no point trying to hide it now, “People make it look easy. Maybe I worry too much. But if I never tell him, I think I’ll be fine.”

“You can never know that for certain either. Atsumu isn’t the easiest guy to get along with on the court, but he’s a different person outside of it. I never really liked him when I first met him. Then he crept into my brain, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It probably took me too long to admit it, but I finally confessed before graduation. I couldn’t leave without telling him, it was too hard.”

“Satori always intrigued me. He never gives up on anything, or anyone and I fell for that. Everything else felt natural, it’s like he was made for me,” Ushijima closes his eyes for a moment. He thinks about how Tendou is like a beacon, something far off that he’s always chasing. An unattainable dream. His laughter bubbles, his hands are reaching out and Ushijima wishes he could hold on. Pull it all in, hold it forever, “I do love him,” His eyes open and he finds himself smiling. There’s no joy behind it, he feels lonely. It’s sad, “He deserves better.”

Kita scoffs and gently shakes Ushijima, “Said who? You aren’t giving him that choice. Life is unpredictable, it always will be, but you can’t let that hold you back. You might miss your chance before you even get it.”

Ushijima knows Kita is right and those words stick with him. They fill his bones as the group chat begins to dim down. As his own life is filled with volleyball and studying. He’s still taking pictures, most of them are blurry, and he never sends them to Tendou. He saves them in a folder, it’s for Tendou and it always will be.

* * *

University life grows more hectic. Kita is a good roommate and since they’re both on the volleyball team, they always end up walking back to the dorm together. Ushijima still isn’t quite settled into life away from Tendou even though it’s been months.

First year is coming to an end now. It’s a strange feeling. Sometimes Ushijima wonders if he’s really there in Tokyo, it feels like a dream, exams and volleyball keep him busy; his has a part-time job too. Ushijima feels like it should be easy to get lost in how busy life is, and Tokyo dwarfs the size of Sendai.

There’s always people rushing around, always something to do and somewhere to be. But it isn’t that easy, his heart is with Tendou, he can’t stop thinking about him. It’s one thing or another.

Ushijima thinks about how he wants Tendou with him, so they could see the sights together — so Ushijima could stare at Tendou as he marvelled at everything with wonder sparkling in his eyes. So Tendou could look through the folder of blurry pictures on Ushijima’s phone and Ushijima could confess.

But it’s not just Tendou he misses either, it’s the whole team and sometimes he’s a little jealous that Kita still has all his old teammates close by. Ushijima tries to stay in contact, but even when he isn’t busy, the others seem to be and he misses talking to them. Their group chat resembles a ghost town.

Ushijima always spends late-nights keeping up with his studies and seeing if he can catch any of his friends before they go to bed. It’s a surprise to see Oohira’s name lighting up his screen on a Wednesday night, he’s quick to answer and gets comfortable in his chair, “Oohira-”

_“Ushijima, we don’t have time for small talk. I’m sorry. It’s about Tendou.”_

Oohira’s breath is shaky and it makes Ushijima grasp at the corner of his desk, “Is he okay? What-” Ushijima can’t face asking. His heart is racing, his entire body feels cold, he’s never felt this way before. The tone of Oohira’s voice is already telling him something was wrong, something’s happened, “Oohira, please. Tell me.”

_“He collapsed. Overworking, he didn’t even want me to phone you. Since I’m the closest, I came to the hospital. He’s alone, his parents haven’t even been yet. He’s resting now. He—He looks worse than what they said. God, Ushijima, he’s so pale.”_

“I’m coming. I need to see him.”

_”What about—”_

“I don’t care about anything else right now. I can figure it out, I’ll be on the next train to Hokkaido, text me the hospital details.”

_”Okay. Take care of yourself.”_

“I’m more concerned for Satori. I’ll see you soon.” Ushijima hangs up. He slides his phone away and quickly packs a bag.

Kita walks in as Ushijima is throwing the bag over his shoulder, “Where are you going?”

“Hokkaido, Satori needs me. I’ll figure it out. You’d go for Atsumu, wouldn’t you?”

Kita nods, he lets Ushijima pass and wishes him luck. Ushijima is always prepared, he leaves at the same time every morning and makes sure he won’t be late for classes. This is a whole new experience, worry and concern are pressing him forward. He’s leaving without checking travel arrangements but he doesn’t care, he knows Tendou is at the hospital, with only Reon at his side. Ushijima needs to go.

He manages to catch one of the late trains. The journey is long— _torturous_. Ushijima glances at his phone every minute. Oohira has only sent him the hospital name and Tendou’s room number, there’s nothing else. For once, Ushijima is praying—he’s praying for Tendou, that he will make it through. That he’ll come out of this as bouncy and cheerful as always.

When he arrives at Hokkaido, he flags down a taxi which takes him straight to the hospital. The receptionist tells him the way and Ushijima rushes through the hospital without a care. When he finally lays eyes on Tendou, he almost collapses. Oohira pats his shoulder and eases him into a chair.

Ushijima takes Tendou’s hand in his own and sighs. His pulse is strong through frail fingers. He wants to know how this happened, but when he finally drags his eyes away from Tendou’s pale face, Oohira is gone. Ushijima appreciates the time alone, but he has a thousand unanswered questions.

He holds Tendou’s hand as gently as possible and runs his thumb over the long fingers, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t be here,” Ushijima closes his eyes, he’s on the verge of tears, “I couldn’t help. Satori, please,” Ushijima’s head drops. His tears began to run down his face and he sniffs, “I’m so-”

“‘Toshi,” The voice breaks through the silence of the room and Ushijima looks up. Tendou is half-awake, a small smile on his face, “What are you doing here?”

“Oohira phoned.”

Tendou gives a soft chuckle, it’s cut off by a groan of pain and Ushijima reaches out, “I went too far, huh? You don’t need to apologise for that.”

“Satori, I could have been here for you.”

“I’m an adult, I should be able to look after myself.”

“Let me, please. For a little while, I want to be here, I want you to be okay.”

Tendou curls his fingers around Ushijima’s hand and squeezes softly, “I just need to rest for now. I’ll be fine.”

“Satori.” Ushijima sniffs, pressing his head gently against Tendou’s arm.

“You’re truly a knight in shining armour. Coming all this way for little old me. What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?”

“I always thought the same. You always managed to make me smile, even if I felt a little down. You mean the world to me, Satori. You mean more than I could ever say. And it feels so stupid doing this here, in a hospital room, but I always liked you. I should have said something sooner. I love you.”

“‘Toshi, look at me,” Ushijima looks up at Tendou again. He’s smiling brighter now, and he moves his hands to wipe away Ushijima’s tears, “I love you too,” He chuckles, holding his side at the prickle of pain, “I hope this isn’t a fever dream.”

“It isn’t,” Ushijima takes one of Tendou’s hands and softly kisses the knuckles, “I’ll still be here, I’ll still love you. Get some rest.” Tendou nods, he relaxes back into the pillows and dozes off to Ushijima still kissing his fingers.


End file.
